You Fell in Love
by mrstrekkiemonster
Summary: Gillian discovers the reason for Cal's behavior.


**Set after Dirty Loyal. My take on why Cal is being such an idiot! I haven't seen the rest of season 3 yet so if it's all been explained bear with me! Thanks.**

Cal hadn't come back to the office after the police station. Gillian had waited hoping to talk to him but he'd disappeared. Probably in a bar somewhere, or Wallowski's bed, Gillian thought to herself. She was pulled from her thoughts by a tapping on her door. She looked up to see Loker standing there. She waved him in.

"I just wanted to let you know. I've done all of the paperwork on this internal affairs thing." He told her.

Gillian sighed with relief. The last thing she wanted to have to do was try to justify Cal's role in the events.

"Thanks." She said "He'll appreciate that."

Loker snorted "I seriously doubt that." He paused and then looked her straight in the eye. "...but _**I**_ didn't do it for him."

Gillian smiled "Thank you."

"Anyway, it's done so I'm done, I'm going home." He headed back towards the door but her voice stopped him.

"Eli, wait." Gillian gestured to the chairs and crossed from behind her desk to sit in one. Loker sat opposite. "I heard you're looking for a new job, but I'd like you to reconsider."

Loker looked down at his hands but said nothing so Gillian continued. "I know you feel he doesn't appreciate your contribution but he does. Doesn't that fact that he promoted you tell you that?"

Eli shrugged.

Gillian leaned forwards slightly. "You've worked here long enough to know that words aren't his strong point but that doesn't mean he doesn't care. I can see you think I'm making excuses for him so I'll get to the point. This isn't always the easiest place to work, any sensible person would probably have quit before now, but I'd like you to stick with it. This is where you belong. You've worked hard to get where you are and it doesn't go unnoticed. I value your work and your input and believe it or not, he does too."

Loker looked at her for a few moments before speaking. "His opinion isn't the only one that counts, so I appreciate the sentiment but, ok answer me this. You get the worst of him. Why are you still here?"

"Good question." She answered

Suddenly the door burst open and in stormed a clearly irate Cal.

"So what's the answer?" he demanded

Both Gillian and Loker jumped from their seats, startled.

"'Avin' fun were we?" Cal asked

"I was just..."Gillian began but Cal cut her off.

"Yeah I heard. You were just talkin' about me." He stepped closer to Gillian. "I do not need **YOU** telling **MY** staff how **I** feel."

Loker stepped between Cal and Gillian and Cal squared up to him.

"Aye aye fancy yourself her protector now!"

Gillian took Loker's arm and moved him away. "I'm fine Eli. You should go."

Loker didn't move. He glared at Cal until Gillian's voice caught his attention. "Please."

He looked away from Cal to Gillian who nodded at him. "I'll be fine." She assured him.

Loker stepped away. From their body language it was clear they needed to argue a few things out. "You sure?" he checked

Gillian nodded. "It's ok." She said hoping to absolve him from any guilt.

Loker took one last look and satisfied Gillian could handle herself, left.

She rounded on Cal "What were you thinking?" she demanded. "He was seriously thinking of leaving, I was trying to mend fences and you barge and make things a hundred times worse. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't come back at all now!"

"That's his problem then isn't it?" Cal replied

Gillian stared at him. She searched his face for a glimmer of the man she used to call her friend. He glared back and she had to look away. The ice in his eyes broke her heart.

"It's not his problem Cal. It's yours." She said quietly.

"The problem is..." he began, invading her space. "... He thinks the grass is greener. Let him bugger off and try. He'll soon come crawling back."

"And if he doesn't?" she challenged "What then? What if Torres joins him? Or Anna, or Heidi? How many people are you willing to lose?

Cal stepped back, distancing himself from her. "Yeah well loyalty is part of the job."

Gillian flushed with anger "And what about your loyalty to them?" She stopped short of saying 'and to me' but Cal saw her unspoken question.

"This isn't about them is it luv?" he said knowing the answer before he saw it. "This is about you and me."

"Is there a you and me anymore?" she asked "We used to be partners, a team. But lately you've..."

"What, changed? Oh do me a favour." He said in a mocking tone. "Not the old my partner doesn't understand me routine."

"I don't understand you." She said fighting tears of anger. "You are hell bent on this path of destruction pushing everyone away. You're going to turn around one day and find yourself very lonely."

Cal looked panicked for a second then hid it with a sneer. "You thinking of joining Loker? Abandoning ship?"

Gillian looked at him. The tone he used for the word abandoning hit her like a slap in the face. Cal Lightman's biggest fear. Being abandoned. He stared at her waiting for an answer.

She stepped towards him mirroring his usual stance. "Loker asked me just now why I'm still here and you wanted my answer. Well here it is. I've worked hard to get here. I have put my heart and soul into building this company with you and I'll be damned if I'll let you push me away without a fight. I am not your mother. I am not Zoe. _**I**_ am not going anywhere. But that doesn't mean I'll let you treat me this way and it doesn't mean I'll stand by while you continue to sabotage yourself."

"Sabotage? That's a bit strong isn't it?"

"Well what would you call it? Gambling our fee. Illegal underground fights. Chasing terrorists. Nearly getting yourself killed on several occasions. Do I need to go on?" Cal shook his head slightly. Gillian continued. "The point is all of this affects our business and I am the one who has to put it back together. So go off and do stupid things and sleep with all of these reckless women but don't bring it back here and don't treat me like I'm the enemy."

Cal stared at her and then a huge grin spread across his face. "You're jealous!" he accused.

Gillian stepped back "I am not!"

"Well excuse me for having fun!" he snapped "You should try it some time. _**I**_ was just passing time with them until...but you..._**YOU**_ had to go and fall in love with Captain America!"

One word, love, and the unreadable Cal Lightman was completely transparent. The anger, jealousy and betrayal clearly displayed.

Gillian stepped back completely overwhelmed by the intensity his revelation.

"All of this was because I...because you were..." struggling to form a coherent sentence Gillian fell into one of the chairs and stared at him.

"He wasn't the one who was supposed to make you happy." Cal mumbled at the floor.

Gillian's eyes widened further. "And who was?" she demanded.

He found the courage to glance up from the floor but quickly looked away again when she quirked her eyebrows.

"You can't say it, can you?" she asked

"Not can't. Won't." He answered.

"So what? You don't want me, but no-one else can have me? You arrogant..." Gillian balled her fists up at her sides and began to pace in front of him. "You treat me like I'm worthless to you because someone else wants me. You push me away and break my heart and for what?"

He stood in front of her, blocking her path forcing her to stop moving. "I do want you. You are not worthless." He looked her in the eye hoping she would see the truth of his words. "But I pushed you away for your own good."

"My own good! You spent the last few months belittling me, degrading me, hurting me because I tried to move on with my life, but it's ok because it was for my own good! Who are you to decide that?"

"I couldn't tell you why I was really upset with you?"

"Why the hell not?"

"What was I supposed to say? I'm pissed off because I wanted you to wait for me? 'Til _**I**_ was ready. It's hardly fair, is it luv?"

"But treating me like crap is?"

Cal could see the pain in her eyes and it hurt him deeply. "I would fight your corner, I would lie for you, give up anything you asked me to." He wanted to pull her into his arms and beg forgiveness but the fear inside him was even stronger it and it held him back.

"But you won't love me?" She asked her voice barely a whisper.

"Not won't. Can't. I do, but I can't let you waste your time on me. I don't want to ruin your life."

The tears she had fought earlier spilled from her eyes. Tears of anger and frustration, heartbreak and despair. "You are a coward Cal Lightman but you're too late. You've already ruined my life. Do you want to know why I haven't left you, why I've stayed so long? Do you really want to know? I'm in love with you!...Oh don't look so shocked...but don't worry I'll get over it!" and she pushed past him and fled.

It took Cal a full minute to realise she was no longer in the room. His head was spinning and his heart was pounding. He kept rewinding the conversation in his mind. 'I'm in love with you!' He hardly dared to believe it but there it was. Eventually his brain registered she was gone and he bolted out of the room after her. She had a good head start but he wasn't about to let her go now.

Screaming through traffic at an alarming rate, Cal was desperately trying to locate Gillian's car. He figured she would head home but he wanted to be sure. Seeing it up ahead he floored the accelerator pushing through the traffic causing cars to swerve out of his path. Horns blared and people yelled but he just kept on driving. Gillian became aware of a commotion behind her and glanced in her rear view mirror just in time to see a speeding car cut up another motorist. Immediately recognising the other car she fixed her gaze on the road ahead. She was only a couple of blocks from her house. Hopefully she could make it inside before Cal caught up. She had underestimated his determination. As she pulled up in front of her home, Cal screeched up behind her.

"Are you crazy!" she screamed at him.

Cal just grinned.

"Go home Cal." She said walking away towards her front door.

"I want to talk." He called after her. Noting the pause in her step he caught up to her.

Gillian unlocked her door and stepped inside, blocking his entry. "There is nothing you could say that I would want to hear."

Cal looked at her and her guarded expression. Knowing this was probably going to one of the most difficult conversations of his life he knew he had no other choice than total honesty. He swallowed, hard. "I'm sorry." He told her sincerely. "For everything."

Gillian blinked in surprise. Whatever she had been expecting him to say, that wasn't it. Cal Lightman had apologised and meant it.

Taking advantage of the fact that his confession had left her immobile he pushed his way inside bringing her with him.

"Remember when you showed me that footage of Wallowski and her partner."

Gillian nodded wrinkling her nose at the mention of the cops name.

Cal continued "I wasn't watching the footage I was watching you. For signs of jealousy."

Gillian's eyebrows raised and her eyes widened.

"I only liked her because you didn't." He told her. "All of them. I knew you'd disapprove and I wanted to get a reaction from you. But here's the problem. I have trouble reading you. You're the person I find most difficult so I could never tell for certain if you were angry or jealous and it drove me crazy."

Gillian couldn't decide if she should be flattered or horrified by his confession. She knew in his own unique way he was trying to tell her that everything he had done, he had done with her in mind but he still hadn't told her why. At least not properly. Cursing her tolerance for this infuriating man she let him have one more chance.

"Why?" she asked wondering if he would take it.

Something in her body language told him this was it. Now or never and if he didn't take this chance he may never get another. He swallowed again. "Because I'm in love with you." He answered "Madly deeply crazily messily in love with you."

Gillian was shocked. First he had apologised and now he was admitting his feelings. Overwhelmed by the turn of events she closed her front door behind them and went to sit down on her couch. Her mind was racing and her legs felt weak. She had waited so long to hear those words and now she had she wasn't sure what to do with them. Suddenly everything had changed.

"I don't know what to say." She told him honestly.

Cal crossed the room and sat next to her. "Do you remember I once told you, that you could have truth or happiness but never both?"

Gillian nodded.

"Well I'm about to put my theory to the test." He explained taking her hand in his. "Total honesty. But if we do this it could go horribly wrong we may end up further apart than we already are. Are you willing to take that risk?"

"I don't see any other option." She said. "I can't go on like this."

Cal to his credit looked guilty. Then hopeful as he asked "Do you want to start?"

Gillian smiled and shook her head."Oh no. After you."

Cal grinned back "Ok I guess I deserve that." He shifted in his seat, clearly uncomfortable and Gillian wasn't sure if he could actually do this. Words really weren't his strong point. But then he spoke.

"You scare the hell out of me."

"What?" There was no way she could disguise the hurt and she didn't want to try.

He squeezed her hand hoping she wouldn't leave before he was finished. "I've never met anyone like you Gill. You read romance novels and drink slushies. You like puppies and Christmas and Loker. You stand in that cube, face down some of natures nastiest scum, day after day and can still see the good in people. Every day I stand beside you I want you more. But I never in a million years thought you could love a man who could cause you so much pain. Then you met him and all of that changed. He dragged you into his world. He put you in danger. He showed you the real man and instead of running away you stayed and fought. And that hurt. I didn't think you'd ever look twice at a man like him, like me. And yet you loved him. All this time I've tried to be a better man for you. The kind of man you deserve. Every time I failed I pushed you away because _**I**_ wasn't ready. And then it was too late. I was so angry with you. It's ridiculous I know, but you weren't supposed to have a relationship with him. Sex. Sex is fine. I didn't realistically expect you to become a nun. But a serious relationship no holds barred? That's what we're supposed to have. "

All of Gillian's emotions were over stimulated. Her brain was a blur. She looked at Cal and could see how difficult the openness was for him. She wanted to say something to let him know what it meant to her but struggled to find words. He went to speak again but she shook her head.

"Stop. Please. I don't want to talk anymore. I need some time."

Although he was clearly upset Cal stood and headed for the door. He turned to look at her and she felt as if he were staring into her soul. Then without a word, turned and left.

Her thoughts were a blur. So many emotions fought inside of her. One four letter word and things would never be the same again. She needed to think clearly but all she had were feelings. Suddenly the room felt empty without him. Gillian wanted to go after him but her head stopped her. She needed time to process everything that had happened. She would take a couple of days and then she would call him. Hopefully he wouldn't retreat back into his shell. They just needed a little more time. Oh who was she kidding! They'd had seven years! Gillian ran to the door hoping she could still catch him before he drove away. Throwing the front door open she found him standing there rooted to the spot. He smiled and she smiled back and all of the talking in the world could not have said more. Gillian reached out to him pulling him closer. His hands went to her face and she wound her arms around his neck. Cal leaned in and their lips met in a kiss so perfect both of them were afraid they were dreaming. They didn't make it to her bedroom. Years of pent up frustration was played out on her living room carpet.

"Truth or happiness?" he muttered into her skin as he clung to her as though he would never let go.

Kissing him with an intensity that took his breath away she replied "Both."


End file.
